Would you give away your child after birth upon learning about the birth defect?

English: “This newborn is displaying the birth defect known as [:w:Polydactylia|Polydactylia] involving both feet.” (Photo credit: Wikipedia)
As others had opined, this is truly a tough question and scary to think about.

As an able mother, meaning one that has all the resources and readiness to take care of a child, giving a child with a birth defect is not an option. The child did not ask to be born. It is not even his or her fault to be with defect so why would a mother give away a child? A mother should love without conditions and that is the essence of it all.

For young mothers without enough resources and those who had gotten pregnant unexpectedly and early, the best way to deal with it is to ask help, to seek it and the resources or means to get help. It is understandable for a young and unprepared mother to get confused and be in a situation where she would seem not to know what to do and to decide to put her child to special care would be understandable. It is better than leaving her child with defect to die alone, or abandon the poor child.

What are your thoughts about this?

———-

This is from a discussion board I joined before where I am not active
anymore.  The comments below were also from those people in that
discussion board.

From Ravisivan

This discussion is better answered by women than by men. Still let me
add my points. A mother who cannot take care of a baby with defects and
who cannot stand to see the child in that stage may desert the child. We
find a lot of instances where mothers leave a child without any
defects.

From vandana7

They dont qualify as mothers, do they?

From thesids

Well, Fine a womens discussion but I will be a father someday and the
kid will be mine too dear ravisivan. If the lady wants to abandon the
child, well she may, but still being the father, I have the right and
will take care of the child.

From ravisivan

I am reminded of instances wherein women have children and are not able to support. Men are also responsible for this state.

From mysticmaggie

If there is absolutely no possible way the child can receive the care –
personal and medical – that it needs, yes, I would give him/her up.

However, when our daughter was born with Down’s syndrome, I was shocked
to hear the doctor go through a litany of “Just take her home and love
her” over and over until I finally snapped at him, “Of course, we’ll
take her home and love her. We’ve waited almost eight years for her.
What else would we do?”

You would think at the age of thirty, I would have been more savvy to
the world’s ways.

The doctor replied, “Too many turn their backs on these children. They
leave them at the hospital and ask the staff to find an institution for
them. They discard them like they would a torn piece of clothing.”

I was shocked that anyone could look at my Jaimie and want to throw her
away.

Yet, even a nurse was fired was sitting with a child that survived third
trimester abortion. It had Down’s, too, and would eventually die. The
nurse made the mistake of having a heart and holding the sweet child
until it passed away. She had to hide in a closet full of dirty bed
linens, but was still caught.

During Jaimie’s life, I have had one woman ask why I brought her out in
public. My answer was that I wondered the same thing about the woman –
why would anyone let such a crass individual out? A doctor told me to
just put her away and forget her. He was removed from my home bodily by
his date, my best friend. Yet, others such as my son’s friends, adopted
her as their little sister, too, and protected her in every way they
could.

There are those who care and those who don’t give a hang about any child
that isn’t ‘perfect’ in their eyes.

From thesids

Dear Ms. Bingskee

I have this nightmare many a times ever since I have been diagnosed with
Ulcerative Colitis. Though my doctor doesnt say this is genetic and
hereditary, I read about it being hereditary in some health magazine and
also on websites.

In any case, I will not even think about giving away the child or even
abandoning him or her. In any case, the poor child has to suffer and
being the biological parent, it is my duty to take care of him – and
also I must mention that okay, I may not be able to provide him the best
of all medical facilities going my our financial status, but still, I
will take better care of him or her than all others.

Each time I read about women or even parents abandoning their child, I
think sad of them. See, today we have so many ways not to go or have a
child. And when we go for a child, be it a fault or a pre-planned, I
believe, we have no right to abandon the child and we all should take
care of the child in the best way we can with whatever resources we
have. After all, the kid is our blood and our family.

from vandana7

Yeah, you are truly back, and you always come with very interesting
discussions. 🙂

I wouldnt be able to surrender my child, especially if the child had
some birth defects. This is because I would feel others would not be
able to love him or her because of the deformity. So the child needs all
the love and even more and only me as a mother can offer him or her
that. This would be my take even if I got pregnant unexpectedly and even
if I couldnt really afford the child. As suggested by you, I would take
help from others rather than let the world ridicule hurt or ill treat
my baby.

From enelym001

Hello, welcome back bingskee

I do think it is not fair and right for babies to be abandoned or just
be giving away when we learn about the birth defect. Like you said, we
should accept our baby, healthy or not, we should be a good and
responsible mother for them. A friend of mine learned about the defect
of his baby even before he was born. When he came to this world, they
waited for the right moment as advised by the doctor for him to undergo a
surgery. Thank goodness the kid grow up healthy and handsome. He is in
5th grade now.

From LadyDulce

No way! Just because MY child isn’t perfect, I would give him away? My
own flesh and blood? The one that lived in me for three quarters of a
year? Idiocy. Yes, it would be more work. Yes, I would need help. But
that’s what comes along with it. Giving up a child because of a health
or development problem is perplexing to me. I saw the way my godmother
adored her son from the day he was born with cerebral palsy. No matter
what, that was her baby and he ended up growing into an amazing young
man.

From Thoroughrob

As a mother with a 17 year old with Cerebral Palsy, I have to look at it
from both sides. I can definitely see and understand how someone can.

The answer is no, I would not give up my child, I would do it again, but
now I realize what has to go into it. It changes your life forever. It
makes you make decisions and do different things you never knew you
could, and a lot of people do not have the ability to even understand.
You have to fight for their every need.

You are no longer just a mother, you are a medical caregiver, nurse,
insurance claims person, a scheduler, researcher, advocate, teacher,
wife and try to makes sure others in the family are not being neglected.

Your child, a lot of the time, can get better medical care, being in
foster care. They have more rights and things get approved much easier.

I could never judge one, on which way is right or wrong. It is a life
changing, emotional roller coaster, and something you have to devote
your life to.

We are judged every day, on what others think we should be doing, or
what we shouldn’t, we make decisions, we don’t know if it is wrong or
right, as there is no one that has the answers. We lose our circle of
friends, they don’t know what to say or do, we cannot just drop things
and do things at the drop of a hat. Everything needs planning.

From Charlene Sally C.

My Godchild is 24 now and still infantile. She is unable to speak, walk,
feed herself, toilet herself or anything. She was disabled by the DPT
shot… she was perfectly normal until then. Unfortunately, the docs
didn’t connect the dots until the second shot was given.. it was the
pertussis part of it they said that did this to her.

Her parents have 3 other children. They all have their own lives and do
things like football, pageants and whatnot… but the one daughter can’t
do anything, but she is loved by everyone and we know she loves all of
us too. Her mom and dad would give their lives for her. Her brothers and
sister are also very protective of her also.

From Thoroughrob

My son was in baseball, and a couple of school clubs. I am just saying
that it takes someone very special. We have a good circle of friends,
and family. They support us greatly. We go camping too. My son is in a
wheelchair, unable to speak, toilet himself either, along with meds. He
is the happiest kid you have ever seen and no matter how old, will
always be a kid at heart. He also has made us look at life differently,
but it is something you have to dedicate your life to. There are
unfortunately, people that just cannot handle it. It has made me
stronger as a person, but I can see both sides.

From ShyBear88

I think for me I know no matter how my child comes into this world I
will always love them and want them in my life. I don’t care what the
coast of it will be they are always perfect to me. disability or not
they are still mine and I would be incomplete with out them in my life.
There are only certain test that you can get tested for while pregnant
and some times you don’t if anything is wrong with your child till you
see them. Me and my husband we don’t have a lot of money to deal with a
child with special needs but we would find away what ever it takes we
will do it.

Before seeing this discussion I ran across this video on youtube its
called God’s Gift and its a song that mom is singing about her little
girl and her daughter has a disablility and now I’m going to share it
with you. its up to you if you want to watch it or not.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ww_4XDDLlDM

From Patsie Hatley

hi shybear I loved the video and it meant much to me as I had a little
daughter who was so pretty and loving and taught us so much in the 8
short years of her life. she was special to us and we loved her so much.
her death tore into my life so much especially when my own dad said
this of her death” well it was just as well as she
was defective.” I was furious I yelled cars maybe defective and you get
rid of them,My child was a sweet loving little girl was not defective,
she just had a problem. I had to walk away or take a chance of hitting
him.Thanks shy bear for sharing that lovely video]
with us.

From ShyBear88

Hi Hatley, I’m sorry for the lost of your daughter. At least you had 8
years with your little girl unlike some people that might just have a
few days with there child. My daughter she isn’t sick or anything but
she still means the whole world to me. I think everyone’s child means
the world to them in there heart weather they live for years or just a
little while. You never know what will happen a life is worth living
even just for a little bit. Each baby that you make is different there
will never be another person just like them. They are unique in there
own way. I don’t think any child is ever defected they are born the way
they where meant to be. There is some reason for why a child is born the
way they are. It is either meant to help us, teach us, show us
something, open our eyes. Your daughter was special not defective she
was one of a kind of person in the world and there will never be another
on just like her.

When I saw the video it made me cry and feel for that mother and her
daughter and her daughter was very pretty and every happy even though
she has challenges in her life. It’ll make everyone in her family even
herself stronger.

Thank you bingskee thanks for starting the discussion. I think I was
meant to share this with people it just so happen moments before I came
across this discussion I saw that clip.

FromArchaiwy

I think i will not give it away,no matter how disable he or she
is.Because it’s a life.The baby itself doesn’t waht himself
disabled.people should take more care of the baby.He has been already
disabled,people should put more burden on him especially the mental
burden.People should give them more enncouragement,encouraging them to
have the power to live .

From parascevi

I would never leave my child alone or without care. But it is difficult
to have and raise a baby with such serious conditions.I think that
today’s medicine can prevent such events by watching carefully and
testing the mother during pregnacy so as to these births to be avoided.

From Charlene Sally C.

No I could never give a child away. He or she would be perfect in my
eyes. My God child is severely disabled. She is in her 20s now but she
is about like an infant. She has to be diapered, must be fed from a
sippy cup, and cannot talk or do anything for herself. Her parents are
devoted to her care and love her very much. We all do. Her eldest
brother will take her if anything ever happens to her parents. She will
never have to go to a children’s home or nursing home.

My daughter didn’t have a birth defect, but she was born with certain
genes that caused her to have her share and someone else’s share of
mental illnesses. She is mentally disabled and can’t hold a job, but she
is married and does the best she can. She is a blessing to me, and has
lots of good sense. She is good in some things .. like computer stuff…
and politics…. But not good in stuff she isn’t interested in.

From sjvg1976

Hello Bingsbee,

No i don’t expect a mother to give away her child due to any reason and those who do it don’t know what a mother is or don’t have heart in their body no matter how the kid is.

Whenever i hear about woman abandon her kid(without any defect) after
the birth always wonder me why she did it if she did not want the kid
then why she did not abort it.It would have been better to abort the kid
than to forget it after birth in my opinion.

From shylade

my heart bleeds every time i see homeless children and it bleeds more
when i see babies with birth defects. we really can not choose the baby
we will have because it is God’s gift. special children are God’s gift
too. i agree that they should never leave anywhere to die. if you can
not take the responsibility to take care and provide medication for the
baby then go to government agency that can help you. it’s not reason
that you have no money or you are young because the life of the baby is
in your hands and every child has the right to live.

From LovingMyBabies

I would never give away my child due to a birth defect. It is not their
fault at all. I would do the best I possibly could for them. I am not
sure I could be a good mother in that situation because I don’t think I
would know what to do if I was in the situation. Thank God, I have not
had a child with any kind of disability. I just don’t think I could
handle it…I would not give the child up though.

From yanzalong

It’s difficult situation. If I were the parent, I would probably not
give it away. It’s the consequence that I have to take and face.

From Patsie Hatley

hi bingskee oh my God no of course not.I h ave lived through this and my
little girl was born technically black and not breathing they should
have done a caesarean but did not as she was in trouble a good twenty
minutes before I could push her out. they took too long to revive her so
yes she was brain damaged. but she was so pretty and a little love
bug,she loved everyone and people loved her too. No I would never have
given her away,.It was not her fault she was brain damaged.She was our
daughter and we loved her with all our hearts. we were privileged to
only have her for 8 short years. her death was the hardest thing I had
to face, the very hardest not even my hubby’s
death was quite that hard.I was older when we had her so knew a lot of
what to do and we coped beautifully.She was a very sweet loving child
and very pretty too.

From inertia4

I think it is horrible for any mother to give up her child just because
of a birth defect. That is such a poor excuse. Every child is a miracle
on their own. They should be loved no matter what problems they might
have. No one should give up a child just because of a defect.

 

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